Occasionally I would meet with Matt, a nose-to-the-grindstone engineering student and committed Christian with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Occasionally only, because for an extended period of time he had been doing very well. OCD had struck when he was in High School, at its worst characterized by tormenting fears of violence and endless mental rituals. Since those dark days, however, he had learned much about his disorder and how to handle its tormenting thoughts. His life was good. Then, all of a sudden, from out of the blue, he was struck by the “street preacher obsession.”
Matt was downtown observing a ringing Christian message being delivered to a half dozen lackadaisical observers when he had the thought, “Maybe I should be doing that, too.” It’s a reasonable consideration. Many Christians have it. Most all of them, however, quickly dismiss it upon considering practical realities. Matt, however, could not do this. Gradually the idea began to consume him: “What if the Holy Spirit is really calling me to witness?” At the same time, he grew terrified of the possible consequences: “What would people think? How would it affect my career?” Within a couple of weeks he was in a total crisis trying to resolve the issue.
Matt knew what OCD felt like, and this felt like that. But he had a hard time making sense it. “I have two fears: that I will do it and that I won’t do it,” he explained. “They are exactly equal. How would I do ERP? And then…I don’t even know if I should do ERP. I mean this could be the Holy Spirit. I can’t deny that.”
This is tricky OCD, indeed. First of all, although there are two fears, there is only one obsessional thought. The first thought that struck him and would not be dismissed was: “Maybe I should become a street preacher.” This is the obsession. The fear associated with the second thought, “Maybe I should not become a street preacher” is present only because of the insistence of the first. Another way to look at this: If you took away the obsessional fear “Maybe I should become a street preacher,” the second concern no longer carries weight; but not vice versa. Only one thought causes anxiety in itself, and that is the obsession.
Yet, there is still the critical question as to whether this might really be the Holy Spirit. How to resolve that? The single most important thing for Matt to realize was that our judgment is completely lost in the areas where our OCD strikes. It’s just gone. That’s the way OCD is. When I work with hand washers, for example, after they come to an understanding of their compulsions, they sometimes ask a surprising question: “Doc…how long am I supposed to wash my hands? I don’t have any idea!” The loss of judgment is startling.
Matt did ask a few trusted friends, as well as the pastor of his church, about the idea of becoming a street preacher. They all thought it was not a true calling. Here is a critical rule for OCDers: We must base our behavior in the areas where our obsessions strike on that of responsible, non-OCD individuals. We must recognize our own lack of judgment and rely on others as role models. This was helpful for Matt; but, ever-the-OCDer, he was not finished. “How do they know for sure that it’s not the Holy Spirit?” This brings up the topic of ‘discernment of spirits’ which is next month’s blog entry.
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